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 With impending educational budget cuts from the Transylvanian government, Frankenstein University is facing very grave issues, and has genuine cause for concern about survival.
During the current school year, assuming the imposition of Governor Vlad Tepes' Draconian "10% off the top" budget cuts, our beloved Alma Monster will have to come up with more than 800,000 Carpathian lugosis in cuts, ranging from experimental research to faculty salaries.
Worse yet, this venerable institution is literally in danger of losing its head!
The governor (notorious throughout Christendom as "Vlad the Impaler" because of his unique treatment of political opponents and weekend guests) stated the worst-case scenario quite plainly in a recent edict to our Headmonster, Dr. Henry Frankenstein: "Render unto Caesar, you misbegotten sons of jackals, or I'll have the heads of all your faculty as table settings at my next polka party!"
Alarmed school officials are doing everything humanly (and inhumanly) possible to raise the necessary funds to appease the bloodthirsty regent, but time is running out.
Meanwhile, your raving reporter regrets to note that this will be his final column, since Governor Vlad is also notorious for his lack of charity to critics -- and since, by a stroke of good fortune, I've been accepted to Miskatonic University, many, many kilometers from here in the New World.
Best of luck, my classmates, and remember: always strive to keep your heads in a crisis!
The Old Fly-eater
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