As excitement about next Saturday's football game against the Pain State Werewolves builds to an insane fever pitch throughout our school, the members of our varsity team, the Frankenstein Monsters, remain cool, calm, and confident. And who can blame you, Monsters?

Forget that it's the biggest game of the most notorious football season in our school's history, with the biggest crowd of fans ever assembled at Killing Field -- each and every lost soul among them screaming for victory over the rival team.

Forget that its Homecoming Weekend, expected to draw a record throng of 10,000 living or undead alumni from our entire 200-year history, virtually ALL of whom will be packing the bleachers, balefully scrutinizing every move you make and howling for blood -- Werewolf blood, preferably, but Frankenstein blood if any team member's performance is disappointing.

Forget that it's our beloved Head Coach Skelton Knaggs' last season in a distinguished career spanning more than half a century, and the first football season in memory with such an excellent chance of ending undefeated.

But DON'T forget, we beg you, that Pain State is our most bitter rival, and that the Werewolves are vicious scum that richly deserve every horrible thing you can do to them! Stomp them! Maul them! Tear the flesh from their bones and grind the bones to make dogfood! Pile their bodies high, set fire to the corpses, and laugh at the lamentations of their ghoulfriends!

And DON'T get TOO cool, calm and confident, fellas -- though it's certainly true that you've breezed through the season so far, crushing every opponent like Godzilla trashing Tokyo, you came dangerously close to blowing it in our last game against the Pitt Pendulums, when an offensive lineman (who shall be nameless, but is definitely not blameless) literally took the head off rival linebacker Voodoo Ramboona and ran 65 yards with it -- to the wrong ghoulpost! The penalties on that play very nearly cost us the game, but Coach Knaggs (as always) came up with a last-ditch locker-room pep talk that rallied your spirits in the fourth quarter, and the whole team came back strong to "win just one for the Ripper!"

So we KNOW you can do it -- KILL THE WEREWOLVES!